You Have Got to Be Kidding Me (Pt. 1)

Marian Gaborik, 5 years, $7.5 per

I don’t blog much on the Rangers here since even though I’ve been a fan of them as long as I’ve been a fan of any of my teams, my hockey knowledge has never been anywhere near what I’d say was good enough to need to be shared. They’re also the team I tend to be least rational about, mostly because they drive me fucking insane. So on that basis, let me confirm: even people like me know that this is a fucking terrible deal. TERRIBLE. Barely days after the team finally got out of cap hell by moving Scott Gomez, they’ve leaped right back into it by signing yet another overrated “skill player” to the same level of deal for a similar time span. What on earth is the plan here, to keep chopping and changing finesse guys with reputations for gutlessness cast off by more successful teams until one of them magically fits?

Gaborik is only 27 and will be 32 when this deal expires; in theory these should be his prime years. But he’s missed an average of 19 games a season in his career, played only 17 total last year, and has rapidly gained a reputation as a soft player, a malingerer, a self-involved type who alienated himself from his teammates. So of course the Rangers signed him to a contract no one else in the league would match and which is guaranteed to sap whatever motivation he ever had to fight through injuries in order to stick him in a locker room with Sean Fucking Avery. This should end well. I fully expect Chris Drury to demand a trade by midseason, because no serious hockey player who’s won at the highest level could possibly be expected to deal with this shit in good humor. The only thing which might prevent it is if John Tortorella takes one for the team and deals with Gaborik himself the first time Marian tells the coach he’s sitting out in solidarity with a friend’s having a hangnail. Gaborik is going to get torn apart in the press around here as well, and it’ll be for good reason as this is likely going to be remembered as the signing which did more to tear down the recent semi-success the Rangers have enjoyed than any other, which is saying something. It’s Petr Nedved all over again as Sean put it, except that Nedved was at least likable. With the exception of disgusting thugs like Chris Pronger, Gaborik from afar seems like one of the least likable players in the league. And for all his vaunted skills, Gaborik’s best season is 83 points- and he’s never had another one above 67. Scott Gomez, who everyone was so happy to see the back of at the same price, had his best at 84 and three others in 2nd place at 70. Gaborik has better points per game numbers to be sure, but what exactly is that worth if you miss half the season because you’ve got pins and needles or your leg fell asleep or you’re possessed by evil spirits or whatever the fuck else has gone wrong with this guy? It’s impossible to escape the sense that the Rangers signed him because he had that 5 goal game against them, which is among the stupidest of all reasons to sign a player.

One Valeri Kamensky was enough. Does my head in, just does my head in. We’ve signed hockey’s Tomas Rosicky.